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Dirnt Perves Club

Title: Never Come Between Mike and His Coffee. Author:…

Dirnt Perves Club

Famous Words Of Dirnt:

"How many punk rockers does it take to screw in a light bulb (Tre: how many?) uh… um…um let me think… two! One to screw in the light bulb and one to suck my dick.

All my religious beliefs are based on Star Wars."

>How can you not love this man?

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Title: Never Come Between Mike and His Coffee.
Author: finksgirl
Raiting: PG-13 for language
Pairing: Mike/Billie
Dedications: anyone who reads it is pretty damn cool in my book
Notes: This is for the contest btw....

Damn interviews, they’re so fucking annoying, even if they are necessary to promote an album. Doesn’t make it any less of a pain in my ass. I looked around the room, three leather chairs, a long table and a room filled with reporters. Yeah, my fucking dream. I walked in first because my front man status automatically subjects me to the involuntary brunt of the questions. I hate reporters.

Mike followed close behind me and then Tre hopped into the chair to my far left. Of course, being the hyper, wind-up monkey that he is, he is still smiling and as gitty as ever. How does he do it? I’ll ask him after this hell is over.

The second we sat in our seats the camera bulbs started going off and the questions were fired. I made a growl sound and Mike pulled my hand into his lap and squeezed it reassuringly. I shot him a quick smile and looked back into the sea of reporters.

About an hour in Tre appeared to be sleeping though I knew he wasn’t. That fucker ate three snickers and a half bag of powdered sugar on the bus. He’s not going to be asleep for the net three days at least. He’s just psyching out the reporters so he doesn’t have to answer anymore of their stupid, pointless, redundant questions. Have I mentioned my hatred of them? The questions started to wind down when one younger looking woman’s hand shot up and I nodded in her direction.

“Thank you. What’s the worst thing to ever happen to you on tour?”

That question threw me off. Worst thing to ever happen on tour? I got arrested, Mike got his teeth knocked out, Tre has gotten hurt so many times, but worst thing ever? This is pretty tough. I almost ignored the question when one thing popped in my head. That day the coffee maker broke and we were in the middle of bum fuck Egypt or something.

American Idiot Tour 2004

Shit, what the fuck was that sound? I opened my eyes and pulled back the mini-curtain to my bunk. That sound was like a mixture between a growl and a sob. I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and jumped off my top bunk and made my way to the front of the bus.

Smoke was everywhere. There was a tall figure in front of me but I couldn’t make them out through all the smoke.

“Cock sucking mother fucker, I’m gonna kill him!”

“Mike, that you?” I asked having heard his voice.

“Yeah, c’mere, Bill.”

I fanned away some of the smoke and almost coughed up my lung as I made my way to where my boyfriend was. He was rigid and I could tell he was pissed.

“What is it? What’s wrong, babe?”

“Some stupid motherfucker tried to grind up a stick in the coffee maker.”


“Yeah, and since I know you wouldn’t fuck with my coffee maker, who do you think would do something this stupid?’


“I am gonna kill him!”

He pushed me out of the way and ran at full speed to the back of the bus brandishing one of my mic stand like a sword. Oh, no. Can’t have my bassist beating our drummer to death with a mic stand. I ran after him.

“Mike, no!”

I made it to the back to find Mike choking Tre. I couldn’t help but laugh at the scene. Mike looked like Homer choking Bart on The Simpsons. I tried to pry Mike off of Tre to no avail. Mike’s got a death grip when he wants to.

Damn, how do I get him off of Tre? Quick thinking, Armstrong. I grabbed Mike’s cock and gave it a tight squeeze causing him to emit a half moan half growl, releasing Tre in the process. Tre got up and ran out of the bus when Mike looked at me.

“What the hell was that for?”

“Can’t have you killing Tre now, can I?”

“But he broke the coffee maker,” Mike pouted in an almost childlike voice.

He fell to the floor and started to sob as I wrapped him up in a hug. I swear, when it comes to his coffee he gets so damn emotional.

“It’s okay, baby.”

“B…but it was my coffee maker.”

“I know, I know. I’ll get you a new one when we get to the hotel.”


“Yes, okay?”


Tre walked back on the bus and started to laugh at us. Mike stopped hugging me and this look of fury came over his face as he turned his head around. Oh no. Mike got up and lunged at Tre, tackling him to the floor.

“Aaahhh!! What the fuck, Mike.”

“You evil mother fucker!”

“That’s enough! Mike, stop it!”

“Ow! Ouch! Crazy son of a bitch bit me!”

“Mike, Mike stop biting Tre.”

End Of Flashback

Yeah, the worst thing to ever happen on tour had to be when the coffee maker broke. I was about to speak up when Tre broke in with his answer.

“Remember the time that I broke Mike’s favorite coffee cup?”

“Wait, Tre. When did you break Mike’s coffee cup?”

“It was you? I’m gonna fucking kill you, Tre!”

Here we go again.

  • Bahahahaha! Best ending ever!
  • LOLZ! So awesome. Mike is a little whore for coffee, we love him so ^^.

    Great work, hun. Very humorous and kind of hot with all the tackling and crotch grabbing, lol.

  • ha ha love it! damn love the way u presented all three of them - just how i'd imagine them to be! x
  • Hahaha!
    I love it!
    It's funny. =D

    But.. umm.
    I noticed two spelling/grammar mistakes.
    Good thing - nobody else seems to have noticed them. =)

    Anyway, wanna know what they are?
    "...asleep for the net three days..." - should be next (right?)
    "...one of my mic stand like a sword..." - should be stands (right?)

  • Hahaha this is hilarious :D Love it!
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